........Benjamin & I were in a NICU hospital room, at University of Iowa Hospital, holding our dear precious Grace Priscilla in our arms for the very first time EVER since 12 days prior when she was born.
TRUTH BE TOLD, wrapping my mind around this very thought is next to impossible! On one hand, I look and totally GET where God has brought our family to right NOW, with three of the most beautiful miracles known to man, yet, I have to say, this day STILL hasn't gotten any easier for me despite all the blessing our other children have brought us. I'm just being honest and really REAL with you here! I think you as my readers know me well enough to hear what's on my heart right now.
Let me warn you, the remainder of my post is quite graphic, and if you're not up for brutal honesty about that night we went through 3 years ago, then stop reading.
First, we'll talk about her LIFE!!!! Grace was born April 26, 2006 via emergency c-section! It was fast! NICU staff wasn't even in the delivery room yet, they had her out in 2 minutes FLAT! I was then put in recovery for several hours, not able to go and actually see her until I was capable of walking myself to the nursery! OH THAT WAS SO HARD!
That time FINALLY came, this is my very first look at her! AMAZING! OH, there are no words!
My first peek at our unbelievable 10 ounce miracle. (And yes, of course, I'm crying! :))
A little out of order, not sure how this happened, sorry! This is the actual medical team doing the c-section.
Daddy's first peek, nearly 12 hours AFTER her birth. Benjamin was trucking at this time and was clear across the country when they decided to do c-section and delivery!
Isn't she tiny!? This is daddy's hand.
MIRACULOUS!
Big brother Laines' first time to meet his baby sister, Grace!
Our one and only family picture with her! Priceless!
Grace Priscilla Baltzly
May 7, 2006, we were called around 11 PM to and told, "It's probably time you ought to come...." The most dreadful words you could ever here. I will never forget them. We then took the 50 minute commute immediately back to Iowa City, and walked into LITERALLY, the biggest and largest fill NICU room of our daughter with doctors, nurses, respitory techs, lab techs, all scurrying about to get our daughter to breath again. She had stopped breathing, and they had to do many things to bring her back but they did.
Unbelievable site! Truly, a visual I will NEVER forget! We were escorted to the next unit over so as to be "out of the way" as everyone else crammed in our daughter's room screaming out orders, counting.............okay, so you get the idea, I could continue, but I will stop there.
All the staff in her room trying to get her back. This is what we walked into when we arrived at the hospital!
FINALLY, after they got her "stabalized" again, we were allowed back into her room to talk to her, love her, touch her as she lay completely sedated! 100%. Not one more movement from her itty bitty tiny little body, they had her cold out so that she woudn't be restless and go haywire like that again! It wasn't the same! LIFELESS, something we had JUST SEEN less than 6 hours before moving, ever so slightly at a big "10 ounces" but it was still something I absolutely LIVED FOR was movement out of my 10 ounce MIRACLE! Doctors continued doing every last thing they could possibly think of doing and finally when the gas levels came back from her blood tests done every hour from there on out, they told us, there was literally NOTHING more they could do for her and if we wanted to hold her as she died, we were able.
Mind you, this was the very first time we had EVER picked that amazing, most beautiful, delicate bundle of LIFE up at 10 ounces. I was SCARED TO DEATH! Hooked to every kind of cord you could possibly think of, giving her every last chance at life. All while we were on the phone with my "awake" parents in Germany (an actual BLESSING in disguise). They were there to experience what they could over the phone!
At this point, Benjamin held her first. We were losing color in her skin RAPIDLY. And we watched, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, the speed of her heart rate literally just get lower..............and lower..............................and LOWER! Right before our eyes. I've never experienced ANYTHING like it! Benjamin and I were holding each other while holding our sweet Grace, soaking in EVERY LAST MINUTE of actual LIFE that we could. Benjamin soon passed her over to me for my treat of holding her for the very first time. I felt SO CLUMSY. Here, in my HAND, literally, lay my sweet baby girl, almost unfathomable. I had YET, in FIVE PREGNANCIES, been actually able to hold a LIVING baby, and here I was holding my fifth baby AS SHE DIED, LITERALLY, IN MY ARMS! Continuously we watched over the next (what seemed like YEARS) few hours as our daughters heart rate went to 100 bpm.................80 bpm............50 bpm.................40...............30...........20.....................10........................ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy held her first.
Kisses!
Mommy's turn!!!!!!
KISSES!
On the phone with my dear mama! Watching her heart get lower and lower.
Doctor checking to see and confirm her heart had stopped.
ALONE! In this hospital room, just Benjamin and I, literally her last breath, in our arms.
Doctors and nurses watched her monitor from outside our room, and when she had finally passed, they quietly came into the room to unhook and remove every last wire, tube, etc, from her little body and left Benjamin & I to ourselves until we were "ready." READY!? Ready for WHAT!?!?!?
NOT ONE DRY EYE outside our room. Every last person that had had ANY remote touch in our sweet Gracie's life, were weeping with us. Grace touched 100's of lives in JUST FROM THAT VERY HOSPITAL ROOM! You wouldn't believe it!
Our sweet nurse finally came in with some supplies to give her a bath, and a little miniature dress to put her in. We also did cemented hand and feet prints that we will cherish FOREVER! Mortician came in to ask what we wanted done, if we wanted an autopsy or not. We said no, but that was the THIRD TIME, that same mortician had come to visit us in an Iowa City hospital room within 4 VERY SHORT years. And just a few short hours after she died, we were told to gather our belongings from the room, and instructed to go ahead and leave! JUST LIKE THAT!
This was it! IT WAS FINISHED! Our daughter had officially entered the Kingdom of Heaven, literally right before our very eyes. Here, her empty hospital crib. I've NEVER IN MY LIFE felt SO ALONE! In yet, I had the absolute LOVE OF MY LIFE sitting right next to me, my best friend, my confidant, my lover, experiencing every last minute with me in our daughters' life, TOGETHER. BUT I STILL FELT SO ALONE!!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so LOST! Walking out of that hospital YET ANOTHER TIME, EMPTY handed, was far more than I could put my mind around. Still to this DAY, far more than I could ever put my mind around. Yet, here I am, at almost 2 AM, almost 3 years EXACTLY to the moment my baby Grace passed away in my very arms, thinking, and pondering everything that took place that night.
At the burial. The other two headstones of our other two children, Teya LeNae, and Jobe Alan!
Pulling up to the gravesite in the funeral home limo, taking it all in.
Laine was the FIRST to put dirt in the ground on top of her casket.
EACH OTHER! Dear family and friends also gathered with us at the graveside with us to CELEBRATE her life of 12 days here on the earth.
One thing is for sure, at exactly THREE YEARS LATER, I am feeling FAR MORE IN LOVE, with my Jesus, than I have EVER felt in love with any other person in my entire life. He was human, JUST LIKE ME, and I'm quite sure, that in that moment, he was literally crying with and for me.
Gracie's life was SHORT, but MAN, did she have an impact on I think EVERY SINGLE ONE of us!
One more hurdle to jump over within these next few days, MOTHER'S DAY! At exactly THREE YEARS LATER, I have the PRIVILEGE of CHERISHING and thanking God for the three miracles He's given me to take care of currently, Laine Jospeh, Ezra Daniel, and soon to be Chavalah Lyn, AND the six other miracles He's given me to still love forever in my heart. Benjamin & I believe that every one of our children are up in Heaven with our Jesus right now, and we also believe that because of our PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, that we will be able to see our beautiful children again! Oh, what a HUGE REUNION the Baltzly family will have when we see Jesus up in that glorious place, called home................HEAVEN!
If you are reading this, and you are not sure where you'd be if you were to die today, and you have any question whatsoever, I challenge you to think about it and I PRAY for you to seek that out and make sure that you know where you'll be. And if you have any questions that you'd like to ask me, please feel free. Whether pertaining to Gracie's beautiful and miraculous life, or wanting to know more about how YOU CAN BE SURE you know you will be headed after you die, Heaven or hell. They both are very REAL places, with OPPOSITE atmospheres.
Please know that Benjamin & I love each and every one of you that read our blog, and we are SO BLESSED, BEYOND WORDS, by your encouraging words, love poured out, and continuous prayers you lift up on our behalf. THANK YOU, for walking this journey with us.
